Tuesday, February 28, 2012

DD and the Dark Passenger

People thought I am a happy go lucky person who sees beauties and lessons in every single things - to the point of oblivious about reality. Nah ... I am not all that. There will be the rare occasion when my dark passenger will take the driver seat, just like the past few days, and things ain't looking rosy anymore. Unlike Dexter Morgan, my dark passenger doesn't harm people physically, but unfortunately, I may have caused unnecessary worries in my friends' psyche. That just ain't cool, DD.

I went berserk. Not without reason. But with reasons only a selected few will know as it's too ridiculous and utterly useless to be mentioned. I wouldn't even spend another breath sharing about it anymore as it was really redundant.

What I learned is that in this uncool, unglam, irritating and dark moment, there will be a few starry starry friends who shine so bright that the dark passenger has no choice but to give way. Some of them came from the most unexpected places. I thank you and so grateful for your presence and efforts. Then there was also one fat star who didn't just shine brightly but shined so close until I was blinded and instantly snapped out from my darkness.

To all my dearest friends who have been worrying, I sincerely apologize. Forgive me as I knew not what I did. I will know better. I have decided to kick my dark passenger away and come back from my unpleasant retreat. Thanks for the secret message by FB, group chat and SMS. Thanks again for the painting, the nicely setup studio photo of the monkey and most of all the intentions that matter. It works. You all cheered me up. :)

Unfortunately, sometimes it takes darkness to make one realizes how bright the stars around have always been. I hope I didn't take too long to realize that.




PS. It's been a while since I blogged under the label of "Dark Aura". I really hope this doesn't come too often. Once every 5 years, I don't mind. :p

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

... Forgive Them, For They Know Not What They Do

For those of you who are familiar with Christianity, you will know where I have to borrow that phrase - Luke 23:24, to be exact. But don't you worry. I am not here to talk about religion. But after going through a day with unnecessary pebbles being thrown my way ... I reflected ... I nagged ... I bored my friend, again, with the usual story ... then I stopped and thought ... this has to end. It's not healthy for me. It's not healthy for my friends. It just ain't fair. I limit my nagging to maximum 1 message - sentence per time. Unless the friend is interested to know more, I will entertain, if not, I stop myself. No point wasting breath (inhaled and exhaled) in such activities.

But I was thinking, why does it bother me? And how can I move on? Because seriously, there will always be people, despite no matter how pure and sincere your intention is, they will see you as a threat. They will be more powerful than you. They will have a band of brothers ready to rip you apart once you make a small little mistake. In their dictionary - compromise, doesn't exist. Peace, doesn't exist. They have to be right, all the time. Why? Because they can't take any types of criticisms. Why? Because they think criticisms to their ego will be a sign of weakness. That's how insecure they are. They have to get things their way and most importantly, they have to be in control and you will witness, they are in control. They are even controlling people who think they are in control.

Then, 5 hours passed. Out of no where ... that phrase came to me. I swear it was out of nowhere. I was in an Indonesian cultural event held in my French school .... see how random the events can be and suddenly, this phrase decided to parachute itself into my mind. Then I realized ... "Ah ... indeed. It's a cure to such incidents!"

"...
forgive them, for they know not what they do".

What a great reminder.
I thought to myself.
Those people really don't know what they do.
They may just be clueless, uninformed, uneducated, ignorant, oblivious, one sided, narrow minded, ____ go and fill in the blank.
Forgive them anyway. Don't waste your breath. You have better people to focus on.

Every moment is so precious that it should be filled with something that makes you happy. Ok, may be "being happy" is overrated, then fill it with something of your choice. If you choose to dwell in some unnecessary drama, then good for you. It's ultimately our own choice. I don't and I won't. I will limit myself to one phrase/sentence (unless I forget and unless someone has a special request), then I will move on. New chapter. New story. New adventure to be discovered.

The next time someone has you crucified through their words and ill intentions, remember to tell yourself ....
"...forgive them, for they know not what they do"

Don't let the ignorance of others lower your standard of being. You know you can be better than that.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Old Age is Such A Pain (An Article by Sumiko Tan)

A sunny Sunday afternoon, was sitting restlessly by the pool, spreading out the newspaper and eyes landed on an article by Sumiko Tan. Once I finished reading it, I forced 3 of my friends to read too. Once a gracious friend sent me the soft copy, I made sure 10 more friends of mine got the same message.

What your personal opinion about Sumiko Tan, I don't really give a damn. But this article, is simply portraying the hard truth of being old that many young people tend to take for granted. They do think they are going to live forever.

Hence, taking this chance to share it here. Hope you will find it a good read too. If not ... it's also okay lah ... may be next time I will find a more interesting article than this.

------
Old Age is Such A Pain
by Sumiko Tan
as featured in The Sunday Times, 19 Feb 2012

I try to be sympathetic, but his voice just gets on my nerves.

It is peevish, it is querulous and it is very loud.

'Missy,' he screams, and his voice reverberates throughout the neighbourhood.

My bedroom must be at least 100m away from where he sleeps, but he sounds as clear as if he were next door.

Who is this angry old man who shouts so loudly at such ungodly hours of the day - 11pm, 3am, 6am - and disturbs everyone's sleep? And why is he so unhappy?

We started noticing his 'Missy' cries about half a year ago.

H, who is new to my neighbourhood, was startled the first time he heard it.

What's that, he asked, alarmed.

Relax, I said, it's just a patient in the nursing home behind our house. Missy means nurse. He's calling for the nurse. He's probably one of those difficult patients.

I knew what the sound was because it wasn't the first time I'd heard it.

Back in the 1990s, there was a patient in the nursing home who was also prone to 'Missy' fits. Another patient would bark 'Encik' all the time.

We put up with their shouts for years until there was silence, which could mean only one thing - they were dead.

Although they were strangers and had caused me sleepless nights, I felt a little sad thinking about that.

Nobody, I'm sure, would want to deliberately make a nuisance of himself or be unpopular with the nursing home staff and their fellow bedmates. They must have been in a lot of pain to be bellowing for attention so often. It can't be easy to be old.

I got a taste of it recently when I attended an Age-Friendly Workshop organised by the Changi General Hospital.

The sessions teach frontline hospital staff how to be more sensitive to the needs of the elderly.

I joined a group of nurses and care co- ordinators, and we started off by listing the ailments the old are likely to suffer from.

We were told to divide them into visual, emotional, cognitive, hearing and muscular problems. We came up with a very long and woeful list.

We discussed the best ways to interact with people suffering from these problems, and what can be done to make their lives a little easier.

A care coordinator related how she deliberately wears bright 'wayang' make-up and floral 'auntie' clothes to work. Old people have poor eyesight, and if she is a colourful presence, they can see her better, she said.

A nurse pointed out that a person's vision in dim lighting and his perception of depth deteriorates with age.

To prevent him from tripping, steps should be clearly delineated, and the walls and floors of a room should be of different colours.

The next segment of the workshop involved morphing - sort of - into an old, sick person.

To see what it was like to suffer from cataracts, we put on goggles which were pasted over with translucent tape.

To experience hearing loss, we stuffed our ears with plugs, and to experience stiff joints we taped our fingers together with surgical tape.

We then took turns to move around the hospital on a wheelchair or walking frame. We had to fulfil a series of everyday tasks - take a lift up and down, collect and read a brochure, go to the canteen to buy a drink, and use a toilet.

It was depressing work.

It's tough wheeling yourself around on a wheelchair, especially when your fingers are stiff. Corners are difficult to manoeuvre, slopes are a nightmare and it was frustrating buying a drink. You feel bad because you're in everyone's way and it was near impossible to reach up and pay because the counter was so high.

It was horrible not being able to read faraway signs as well as the brochures and price tags you hold close to your eyes. Even the going-up and going-down arrow buttons next to the lifts were hard to decipher.

But I must say I didn't mind that much the muffled hearing. It wasn't so bad being shut off from all the noise and nonsense around you.

Going in and out of the toilet in a wheelchair was an exercise in willpower and dexterity, even though it was a wheelchair- friendly toilet I was testing.

The normal-sized door was a tight squeeze for the wheelchair, which meant you had to gingerly ease yourself in or risk your fingers being squashed between the chair and door.

There was no way I could have entered the toilet unless someone was there to help me hold open the door. And once inside, there was no ramp to allow me to heave myself from wheelchair to toilet seat, and back.

Going around the hospital, we met the real elderly in wheelchairs and walking frames who were there to seek treatment. Many were accompanied by equally old companions.

Looking at them, I told myself that this is me, and H, in just two decades' time, if we are lucky (or is it unlucky) to be still alive then.

Ageing sucks.

It's not as if I were a young chick experiencing the amazing, eye-opening stages of ageing at the workshop. I'm already 48 and every year, every decade, has already brought a decline in bodily functions, not to mention physical appearance, and it's only going to get worse.

The skin dulls, the hair loses its shine, the metabolism slows, the heart becomes less efficient, the bones shrink, the muscles weaken, digestion slows, kidneys take a longer time to remove waste, bladder becomes loose, brain cells die, memory fades, retina thins, hearing goes, teeth rot, sex drive diminishes and, baby, it's really the beginning of the end.

One can try to cling on to youth by exercising like crazy, eating healthily, breathing slowly, driving fast cars, chasing after young women, or men, wearing sexy clothes, designer shoes, whatever.

But there's no escaping the clutches of time and sooner than you think, you find yourself with cataracts, blindly manoeuvring hospital corridors in a wheelchair, the bottoms of your trousers rolled.

Is it any wonder, then, that the old man in the nursing home behind my house screams an anguished Missy?

I shouldn't be impatient with him, really, for in time, it could well be me.

sumiko@sph.com.sg



Sunday, February 12, 2012

Goodbye and Thank You, Whitney!

Singapore - Sunday, 12 February 2012, I woke up to the news that the diva (positive way) has took her last breath and left this earth. What a sad news, but may be it's just the hours for her to leave.

The first thing came to my mind were her songs ... so many of them. I grew up literally with her "presence". My very first exposure to her song was - "I Wanna Dance with Somebody (Who Loves Me)", an upbeat and dance-able song. I saw it on MTV and I don't think I knew who was Whitney when I was still so little. The rest is history ... she sang ... her songs became #1 hits and remained in my heart and mind. I believe most of you will feel the same way too. Wasn't she amazing?

At the moment when I found out about her departure, "The Greatest Love of All" spoke to me.

Because the greatest love of all
Is happening to me
I found the greatest love of all
Inside of me
The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

What a beautiful words, I thought to myself ... "Why didn't she love herself more?", I wondered.

But come on, who am I to judge. Nobody is perfect. She lived her life, her way. It's not easy to be someone whose life were constantly under the public eyes. Think about it, does it really matter if she stumbled and fell? Most important of all, through her imperfect life, she has shined her brightest through her God's given talent - her voice. She has touched lives and inspired millions through the writings of others - her songs. Some of her songs are not originally hers but she made them better ... she added "value", tuned it up, made it her own and voila ... created a legacy.

She has lived a life that contributes, and for that I am so grateful that I lived in the era that she shined the brightest. Thank you for your voice, your songs and your spirit to keep on living despite your difficulties that I will never comprehend.

As it has been sung by her in "One Moment in Time", she said ...

Give me one moment in time
When I'm more than I thought I could be
When all of my dreams are a heartbeat away
And the answers are all up to me

Give me one moment in time
When I'm racing with destiny
Then in that one moment of time
I will be
I will be
I will be free

She did have many moments in time and finally, she's free now.
Rest in peace, Whitney.
Thank you for making a difference by being the best you could be.



PS. Someone has compiled all her hits on this Youtube
playlist. If you are like me now, drowning and emo-ing in her voice, hope you will enjoy it.

Friday, February 10, 2012

An Unusually Usual Friday

10.25PM on a pretty quiet Friday night. I am sitting down accompanied by my ergonomic keyboard with the sound of wind gently banging on my balcony door. It feels like an unusual Friday night ... How can it not be? This is the first since 16th of September 2011, I finally have my Friday to myself doing absolutely nothing. Provided my calendar is not bluffing me. If it bluffed, then the previous "Me Time" Friday would have been on 24th of June 2011.

Startled!

As I went through the list of my past happenings, damn I did lots of things every Friday! I ate, drank, watched play, watched movies, went to friends house, traveled, invited friend to my house, etc ... can't believe those have been the past. Some of them still felt so fresh as if they were few weeks old. Time really waits for no one and moments just pass you by without you realizing. What you held once as "an awesome time" now it's simply a part of your memory. Sometimes make me wonder,"So, that was it? A fragment of my memory?"

But that's life. It passes. It flows. It doesn't stop and wait for you.
Each and every breath that you are inhaling now, is unique, then it passed and ... gone. Next breath. Inhale. Exhale. Gone ....

On this unusually usual Friday, without any outside activities, without much interactions, I am actually consciously breathing and aware of my each and every breath. Surprisingly, it feels unusually awesome to feel and breathe life in its stillness.

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Lichun or Chunli? Does It Really Matter?

Today ... eh ... yesterday - 4th of February 2012, was the first day of spring. Chinese calls it "Lichun" (立春). My friend said, Chinese believe what you do on this day, will set a precedent to the days to come in this new year.

It's apparently quite common that people will bank in cheque or cash to their account in hoping to have more of such occasions in their lives.

If that is so, this simple Saturday has brought so much joy, laughter, and slight tears to remind me that I have been really fortunate to be able to breathe, laugh, cry and share.

My Lichun, to be more accurate, started at midnight where I was having fun with my time-proven Frenchies group - taking photos with cute baby, eating and drinking great stuff and discovering generous souls through the games we played. Pure fun.
Image courtesy of me but baby is not mine

I then began my day with the two great supporters in my life over brunch, planning and plotting for more exciting "mini adventures" to come. Continuing from my previous conversation with them, we plan to have at least one new thing to do per month. However silly it may be such as - to approach a stranger and ask him/her "What's your purpose of life?" - well, that won't really happen ... just yet.

I continued with doing what I love to do - learning French in a carefree and without pressure environment. I also discovered through the lyrics of a song by Francis Cabrel how fortunate my life has been compared to those people who crossed borders with the risk of being shot dead just to have a better future. Saw 2 beautiful Black-Naped Orioles flying around outside the window of my classroom. Talked to a few really nice and friendly classmates of mine and got to know them better.
One Black-Napped Oriole sitting on a tree branch

My last stop for such special day was having another gathering with another group of French classmates (ex- and/or current). We had great food, wine, game, conversation and most importantly pure joy and laughter. Overall, my Lichun ended on a perfect note complete with the occasional serenades from a possible wannabe theatre singer. I had an awesome 24 hours of my life with a few minutes of work glitches that came through my phone.

The awesome Yusheng (Prosperity Toss) - Photo courtesy of DQ3

Whether it will turn out to be true that what happens on Lichun will be an overview of the year to come, one may never know. But by going through a day with such mindset has made me more aware of my own thoughts and expectations. When you set your day with such positive outlook, it doesn't mean glitches won't rain in your parade. You may get nudged here and there but the overall effect of psyching up yourself a notch has its little wonder. You are after all, what you decide to see, hear, feel, think, and ultimately choose.

If Lichun is just some superstition created by somebody, then, what's stopping us in making everyday a Lichun-ish day? That everyday is indeed a new fresh beginning. That everyday is different and unique. That everyday can be a Lichun or a Chunli or whatever you want the name/label to be. That everyday is a blank canvas waiting for you, the artist, to create something as per you wish. Then why don't you just paint it your way? It may not be perfect, you may have a small canvas, but, make it yours. Own your day.

This year is my first time celebrating such concept. I am glad to be aware of it and have the opportunity to spend it with people who enrich my life in all ways possible. I extend my overflown and rebuilt joy of the week to all of you, who even bothers to read my humble blog. In the spirit of Chinese New Year, I would like to say,"HUAT AH!"