Relationship, It Should Be Easy.

What an interesting night I had ...!

Spending time with 6 French speaking people after my 1 whole month of detox, oh how apt! Not only my ears were having orgasms, I was being spoilt with great food and great wine and most importantly, with my super broken Fransinglais (French+Singlish) I was able to carry a "decent" conversation with a Spanish lady in French.

A little bit of background story on how I ended up where I was:

• I attended a series of wine conferences. Out of 4 of them, I had to spit my wine 3 times. Tonight, finally I got to taste the wine in that fantastic heavenly uniquely Helicium glass which I am going to acquire soon for its magic.
• My friend is in-charge of the event, he was tidying things up and I was helping him. He asked me if I would like to have dinner with "them". I was like ... eh? them who? Them apparently were the organizers, the wine glass seller, the presenter, etc .... so of course I said,"OUI" without a shadow of doubt.

So, we had dinner at Bistro du vin. I had the most pathetic portion compared to all of them. They must have thought I am some kind of pauper for simply eating salad. But seriously, I was not hungry lah. But from what they were eating, I know what to order next.

The highlight of the day for me was when the entire dinner was over. I was so ready to take my direct bus home. One couple (the presenter and the wife whose name I don't even know properly till now!!!! I believe it was Gabriella) talked among themselves then decided to send me home. I was pleasantly surprised and I never said no when the universe has arranged free transport. So, I began my journey with them.

I didn't know they are husband and wife. I thought they are DATING! Why? Because there's this air of sweetness between them. He was driving but he dropped himself at Alliance Francaise as his scooter was there. The wife then drove me back and drove back home. When it was only the wife and I in the car, I started to ask my infamous questions in French.

DD: Wow, so you are husband and wife! I can't tell!
The wife: Haha. Yeah, we've been married for 11 years.
DD: No way! 11 years???
The wife: Yeah. 2 kids. 2 boys.
DD: You know to most people that's considered a miracle right?
The wife: Haha! Maybe!
DD: So how's married life? Heard it's supposed to be hard work.
The wife: No way. To me, it's joie de vivre (joy of living). It's never hard work.
DD: I think it's the first time I hear this. I agree with what you said though. It shouldn't be difficult. It should feel easy.
The wife: Exactly. That's how I feel. It's never difficult.
DD: That's really great because you belong to the minority. But how do you know he's the one?
The wife: Honestly, I didn't know if he was the one or not. Even until the day I have to walk down the isle, I was still not sure and my friends were making sure I was not escaping somewhere.
DD: Seriously? And look how far you've come.
The wife: Ya. I never regret it.
DD: That's life. You'll never know anyway. I'm glad you took the plunge. Nice meeting you. Enchanté et bonne nuit.
The wife: A vous aussi. Ciao.

Many times I've heard that relationship is hard work. Marriage is hard work. Like seriously? Who imparted such beliefs to these people? Well, it may not be incorrect. It does require work, but HARD WORK???? You do know what you believe will become reality right?

No wonder when people around me made that statement, my gut feel disagrees with them in silence. It shouldn't be hard. If it's hard, you need to force it to happen. If you force, then what's the point? It should be easy. It should flow. It should just happens. If it doesn't, it's fine too. Have you ever seen river flows through "hard work"? Or do they simply flow to the sea?

I agree with Gabriella completely. She got it. If they never told me they are husband and wife of 11 years, I really wouldn't have guessed it at all. They were so sweet, gentle, kind and polite to each other as if they were just dating for the first time. How many couples you have witnessed around you are like that? Tell me? For me, they are one of the very few. The rest must be pretty forgettable or "work too hard" that they simply look like the typical husband and wife who believe that marriage is hard work.

I am not a relationship expert but I do know how powerful our minds are. Whatever you think is true, will be true. If you think relationship requires hard work, then it will be for you. Personally, there are certain truths in both perspectives. When others view it as hard work while you are actually feeling happy doing things for your loved one(s), who do you think is right? Both. But which direction you choose to believe and set the course of your life, is entirely up to you.

Thank you, Universe, for letting me meet such wonderful couple. They are truly inspirational.

Love does not dominate; it cultivates.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Love Yourself First - Why Should You?

Try saying to yourself this statement - "I love myself and I put myself first." 
How does it make you feel?

More often than not, if you are not used to this concept, it will bring some shiver down your spine. You will not be at ease in saying that statement and it totally doesn't feel natural. Some people think by saying that, you are automatically a selfish and egoistic person. I used to think that way too but now, I beg to differ.

I really wonder how majority of us are being brought to believe that it is selfish to love ourselves. I wouldn't know many of your stories but I have my own life to look at.

In a traditional Chinese or I believe Asian family, we are so accustomed to put everyone first but ourselves. We have to put our elders first; these include our parents, our elder brothers/sisters, our grandparents, our aunties, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces, friends' parents, parent's friends, etc and the list goes on. As long as these people are in front of you, you are taking the second chair.

You have to show "respect" by making sure the people who are older than you are taken care of first. Hence, it's very common in the Asian family, the eldest in the family always take on the most responsibility, especially in the olden days and especially if you are a male. Many have sacrificed their own studies to go out and work early in their lives so that they are able to support their siblings. This trait is really admirable and pretty much rare to be seen in where I'm living now.

I too learned from my school and church that I have to serve. So, we serve for the sake of serving. I served for the sake of "this is how it is supposed to be". I served relentlessly on a weekly basis, if I could. But, there's this fake façade I found in people that at that point of time I couldn't pinpoint what it was. But it didn't feel "real". It felt like some people were there "serving" for a different purpose.

Don't get me wrong! I think ultimately, all our life purpose is not for ourselves, we have our own calling, believe it or not. You don't need to be Oprah or Jesus to have a calling. Your calling may just be for your family or friends and still that's a worthy calling. However, from my own personal experience, serving, giving and everything are so much more fulfilling when I have first to learn how to serve/give/love myself.

Loving yourself, is not a selfish act at all. It's actually the other way round.

Imagine if you are a car, your purpose is to be driven and to bring your passengers from point A to point B. Well, I don't drive well and I don't know the mechanics of a car but I do know one of the most important component without which you just can't go here go there is - you need the fuel.

To love yourself first, is like to put a full tank in your car to ensure your passengers have a good ride to their destination. To love yourself first, means to be the best that you can be so that you can give the best of yourself to others. How is that a selfish act? It is not only a win-win situation, because when your tank is full, you are happy. When you help others when you are happy, others are happy too.

I come a really long way in learning how to love myself. 14 years to be exact and I briefly mentioned how I came to realize that in previous post of mine where I talked about my parents. Since, I have been on both sides now (quoting Joni Mitchell's awesome song), I realize I am a better person after my tank is full. Not only I am happier, but others feel better when they are with me. How can they not be? My tank is full, I can bring them here and there to their destinations. Though sometimes my car will breakdown, but after putting myself at rest into a imaginary service center - as long as the fuel is intact, I'm good to go again.

Now, when I look back at all the values I have learned from being in a traditional Chinese family, being from school, from church I used to attend, I can now appreciate them even more. When I do give my respect to my elders, it comes from the utmost sincere place. I respect you because I want to and not because I need to and not because it's customary and tradition to do so. When I do good and serve others, it's not because I have to and not because I need to follow a certain doctrine to prove my worthiness, but because I love to and I genuinely will do it without anybody instructs me to do so.

Loving myself first, is one of the best thing that has ever happened to me. It was a long and winding road but I have arrived, and here/now is better than there/then.

So, love yourself first, why should you?

Because before it's too late for you to realize, you are the only being who has accompanied you at your birth. You are the only person who has made all the choices in life that brought you where you are now. You are the only person who is still standing when others have left. You are the only person who cried yourself to sleep and still woke up the next morning and live your life as it is. You will be the one and only person who take that final breath as you part with this amazing journey called life. Why shouldn't you love yourself when ultimately, you are all that you really have?

The most meaningful lesson I learned from being at death’s door is that unless I love myself, nothing else in my life can function at its best. The amount of depth, meaning, and joy I experience in my life is in direct proportion to how much love I have for myself. The amount of love, kindness, patience I have for others is also directly proportional to how much love, patience and kindness I have for myself, because we cannot give others what we ourselves do not have. - Anita Moorjani 

What Do You Need to Make You Complete?

With a really heavy heart, I am saying farewell to one of my favourite TV show that I used to "mock" when my friend introduced it to me - Desperate Housewives. I am glad I didn't dismiss it just because of my ignorance. Surprisingly, this show has supplied me with tons of quotes and wisdom. I love the prologue and epilogue by Mary Alice - always, always, my favourite parts of the show. But like all good things, like most things, they all come to an end. I have to accept it.

The last episodes seem to be pretty rushed and forced at times, but what I enjoy the most are always the lessons they are trying to impart. One of the theme they brought up was Lynette's constant search of happiness and fulfillment. Being a strong woman who knows she is more than just a stay at home mom, she's a capable career woman who sacrificed for her family. She carried this discontent in her through her controlling nature. Even with a husband who truly loves her, and whom she loves too, she just never feels contented.

As usual, when the storms finally subside, when her love life and family are settled, drama has to spring out somewhere. She has a job offer which requires her to move away from the lane. As she is contemplating and justifying her decisions to Tom (her husband), he said the following:

"Lynette, I would do anything. I would go anywhere in the world if I believe it would finally make you happy. But as long as I've known you, you've always thought you needed something else to make you complete. And I'm starting to realize, nothing ever will." - Tom Scavo (Desperate Housewives - S08E23)

How many of you can relate with those phrases? I believe many of us do. Because, the number of people who think they are/have enough around us, I believe they belong to the minority. We are always seeking. We are always looking for the next thing to fill the gap. When our job is fine, we think we can improve in the relationship department. Then when we have that perfect relationship, we think we can do better financially. Then we have career, finance and relationship covered, we think we can do better spiritually. We always discover more and more holes to be filled. Will it ever stop? When will it be enough?

I was one of those people. When I was young, without realizing, I always thought I was not good enough. Then I grew up (not in height), I became more aware that I still think I am not good enough. Being in a very typical Chinese family doesn't help at times, because you were constantly being compared with others. When you were young and unsure about yourself, then others compared you, of course you will think,"Geez, they are better. I am not.".  Then the search for the next best thing continued. Never enough. I kept seeing flaws everywhere.

After remembering and finally living my mom's advice, I realized I am enough. Oh, kidding me. I'm not only enough. I am awesome, like all of you are too. I love myself. I love life and life simply loves me. With such realization, all those noises on insufficiencies stopped pretty instantaneously. We all were born unique and perfect despite whatever humanly flaws we think we have, we are simply perfect spiritual beings. We forgot about that by feeding ourselves with beliefs that were passed down by others. We forgot how complete we already are.

Then we thought of seeking completeness through others, through our partners, through our possessions ... but completion doesn't come from outside. It comes from the inside and it spreads out. Not the other way round.

"...it's the day you realized that I finally have the things I need to be happy, and then you forget. So, then what happens is, instead of waking up every morning and shouting - somebody loves me - you start looking around and thinking - what do I want now? what's the next thing I need to be happy? So, you look and you look and you keep thinking you found it but nothing works and the reason why nothing works is because that hole in your heart that you try to fill is already filled. You just forgot. 

Don't ever forget. Always remember how much you wanted to be loved and how much you are loved. And I think if you can do that, and it isn't easy, you will stop looking and realized you already are happy." - Lynette Scavo (Desperate Housewives - S08E23)

What a beautiful realization.An A-Ha moment that everybody should experience at least once (Once is enough to create a big impact in your life). If you think she can say that because in the fictitious land, Lynette has a husband who truly loves her. Then you are wrong, all along her husband has loved her but she forgot and couldn't see it. (And of course it's a TV shows that lasted for 8 years, they needed more dramas).

What if you don't have that special others like Tom Scavo, don't forget, you have yourself. Don't ever forget that you should love yourself first and that you should be the first and last person who loves YOU when no one else will. When you do that, completion will fall into place. Life will make sense. Relationships will flourish. The universe will love you more and bless you with more. How do I know? I am living and breathing it. I only really start loving myself completely for less than 2 months and already my life is unfolding in its magical and mystical way. (Before that I was having, as Facebook puts it as "it's complicated" kinda relationship with myself.)

To end the post, the conversation between Tom and Lynette from the last episode of Desperate Housewives summed it really well. I hope you get the message. I hope you see that what you really need to make you complete is simply to embrace the here and the now as they are. You are already complete.Nothing more. Nothing less.

Lynette: "I'm happy right here right now."

Tom: "I bet someone like that, could be happy anywhere."

The Old Fashioned Way

Every year, without fail, the Mouth & Foot Painting Artists Pte Ltd (which is directly link to AMFPA - Association of Mouth and Foot Painting Artists of the World.) will send a pack of cards to me. It's a charity organization which supports artists who are so talented that they are able to paint with their mouth or foot. (I can't even paint properly with my hand!!!)

Anyway, I've seen this card since I was really young. My dad always received it and never once he rejected it. Guess I pick on the habit from him. What this organization do is they'll send you a pack of cards (or sometimes some other products such as bookmarks, etc). They'll enclose a return envelope to you in case you are interested in the cards and would like to buy from them, you may send your cheque to them. If you are not interested in paying, you may choose to return the whole pack of cards or you can keep the cards and be guilty forever? :p The choice is up to you.

Well, since my family already has this tradition, I'm continuing on. I remember it was not that difficult to send out cards to people back then. I was probably in my 14-17 years of age. I may or may not need stamps but I'll definitely finish all the cards given. And during Christmas or Chinese New Year or Valentine's Day, I'll buy even more cards to be sent out.

Now, I have 2 packs of cards. (One from last year) And I realized, I've not been writing at all. How sad. I found writing cards are not as easy as it used to be anymore. 50 was an easy number then but now I can hardly think of 10! Partly most of the people are contactable by emails (and I seriously don't have their mailing addresss), but mostly, I don't know what has happened. Is the technology taking over the personal warmth and message that we are all capable of? May be. You can't rule that out just yet.

Out of the 13 cards I have at the moment, I managed to send out 4. 1 being my mom's birthday card, 1 for my Chinese tutor whom I never failed to write every year, 1 to my friend who's going to have her birthday in July (happened to have her mailing address, thank God), and lastly to my friend's (who's like 10 yrs older than me) mom whom suddenly crossed my mind, and yes, thank God I asked for her address from my friend before. I hope it'll be a nice surprise to her. The last time I saw her was in 2006 when I went back to Jakarta for a family reunion during Chinese New Year. At that time, I think I've not seen her for more than 15 years, easily. And when we both saw each other for the first time, don't know why, we both just shed tears. I seriously can't explain why. I saw her old and frail body. It's so different from what I saw when I was a little girl, playing around in her backyard with her dog and birds. How time passes and how I wish I could spend much more time talking to her. (Tearing as I'm typing this .. hmm time to add "cry baby" to the 500 list now).

Anyway, what am I blabbering?
Oh ya .. card-writing ...
There's something about the old fashioned way of getting in touch of people that is so heartwarming. Though it has so many steps in it (buy the card, write the card, seal the envelope, buy the stamp, paste the stamp and send the card) but somehow, the old way is much more meaningful. Though one day this trade may totally be wiped off, but it can't wipe away that special feeling one has when received a card that can be touched and filled with personal handwritten message in it.

Hope you'll consider writing cards once again to those special someone who've touched your life or simply passed by your life and made an imprint.

The Most Beautiful Memory

That's the title of this song.

Even though for those of you who are Indonesians and may be familiar with this song, it's not new, I know. But its melody and lyrics will just stick to me throughout all my life. This is the song about the lost love which was engraved as the most beautiful ... greatest memory ever by the author. I just love the chorus when it said:

If what's written for me
Is the best for you
I'll made you
The most beautiful memory
In my life

But it'll not be easy for me
To leave the trails of my life
Which has already been engraved eternally
As the greatest memory ever