"I need to write."
A voice that has been nagging in my head for the past few months.
My last blog entry was in October 2013. I had a few draft blog posts but none of them was completed.
"I need to write."
There I said it again.
In the end, I wrote nothing.
So, today I silent the voice of "need" and change it to the voice of "want".
"I want to write."
The purposeful little voice of "a want" beats the many nagging voices of "a need".
And that is good enough for now, so I thought.
It's funny how these 2 simple words - "to need" and "to want" may have the same word(s) at the end of the sentence (Eg. to write, to eat, happiness, freedom, etc) but each carries different motivations.
As I write and ramble further in this post that may lead to nowhere, I come to realize there is a verb that is more effective than "to need" or "to want". That is - "to be". Because when you just "be", you don't need to need or to want because you already are "that".
"I write."
"I eat."
"I am happy."
"I am free."
I will let "be" be the word that guides me in this new year. Funny that "to be" is actually part of my Chinese name and yet I still need to be reminded of it. Tsk Tsk Tsk Tsk.
Oh, Shakespeare, you're a wise man indeed.
"To be or not to be, that is the question."
- William Shakespeare
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Saturday, October 26, 2013
The Path of No
Fade to the background I go
To a place I let go and let flow
I have no control, oh wait, I do
But I opt for the path of no
I watch as the world unfolds
I listen as the words are shown
I witness. I observe. I nod.
I go to the path of no
Questions and shadows followed
This vast Universe unknown
Eyes closed, I breathed in more
And found I'm already home
Thank you Google Image for this.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Why Do I Love Pigeons?
If you have been my Facebook friend for a while, you can't help but to associate me with pigeons. You will see I often talk about them, take photos of them, pretend to have conversations with them and friends will tag me of some pigeons photos because they thought of me when they see pigeons. (Honoured, thank you)
I wonder how did I start to love pigeons? I was not born like that. I didn't notice pigeons when I was young. I didn't notice pigeons when I was in the university. How did it happen?
As I walked down the memory lane, the earliest quirky pigeon experience I had was when I just finished my lunch with my BFF at the hawker center near my place. I saw, there was (I think) 1 pigeon in front of us. It was walking so cutely with that swinging behind. I followed it for quite a while then I chased it and then it flew away. I remember saying this out loud,"Cheh! Whatta show off!" As usual, my best friend just shook her head in disbelief. Though she's used to my idiosyncrasy, but the list keeps expanding as time goes by and she has no choice but to keep out with it.
Since then, I notice pigeons everywhere I go. I find them really amusing. They always make my day without fail. Sure, in Singapore, they are everywhere. But I didn't use to notice them the way I notice them now. Whenever I had a bad day, the sight of them will perk me up a little bit. Believe it or not, my good days definitely outnumber my bad days. Maybe because, as I started to notice the small little things, those small moments snowball into bigger moments.
Today, I finally understand why I derive joy from such experience as I stumbled upon the following quote -
Ahhh ..... A-HA!
That makes sense now.
Noticing pigeon is one of the thread in the fabric of my life experience. Listening to Titanium by David Guetta, was another. Going for wine events and getting to know people are two more threads. Stumbling upon cool words contributes too. What started off as only a few strands of individual string, have woven themselves beautifully into a big piece of fabric. And that ... is ... my life experience. A big, ever expanding tapestry that I call my awesome life.
Dear pigeons (I don't care what breed, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, etc you are)
Thank you for enriching my life. Thanks for having fun with me (well, fun for me, not sure about you. :p) and I know for sure we will have more of such moments going forward. I'm glad you're always there when I need you, except at night but your friends - the bats - do a good job too, sometimes.
So, how do you chronically feel? Have you found what are the strings that contribute to your fabric of life?
I wonder how did I start to love pigeons? I was not born like that. I didn't notice pigeons when I was young. I didn't notice pigeons when I was in the university. How did it happen?
As I walked down the memory lane, the earliest quirky pigeon experience I had was when I just finished my lunch with my BFF at the hawker center near my place. I saw, there was (I think) 1 pigeon in front of us. It was walking so cutely with that swinging behind. I followed it for quite a while then I chased it and then it flew away. I remember saying this out loud,"Cheh! Whatta show off!" As usual, my best friend just shook her head in disbelief. Though she's used to my idiosyncrasy, but the list keeps expanding as time goes by and she has no choice but to keep out with it.
Since then, I notice pigeons everywhere I go. I find them really amusing. They always make my day without fail. Sure, in Singapore, they are everywhere. But I didn't use to notice them the way I notice them now. Whenever I had a bad day, the sight of them will perk me up a little bit. Believe it or not, my good days definitely outnumber my bad days. Maybe because, as I started to notice the small little things, those small moments snowball into bigger moments.
Today, I finally understand why I derive joy from such experience as I stumbled upon the following quote -
The big events are noteworthy. But the big events are not the fabric of your life experience. And it’s the fabric of your life experience that equals to the way you chronically feel. And the way you chronically feel, is life.- Abraham-Hicks
Ahhh ..... A-HA!
That makes sense now.
Noticing pigeon is one of the thread in the fabric of my life experience. Listening to Titanium by David Guetta, was another. Going for wine events and getting to know people are two more threads. Stumbling upon cool words contributes too. What started off as only a few strands of individual string, have woven themselves beautifully into a big piece of fabric. And that ... is ... my life experience. A big, ever expanding tapestry that I call my awesome life.
Dear pigeons (I don't care what breed, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, etc you are)
Thank you for enriching my life. Thanks for having fun with me (well, fun for me, not sure about you. :p) and I know for sure we will have more of such moments going forward. I'm glad you're always there when I need you, except at night but your friends - the bats - do a good job too, sometimes.
So, how do you chronically feel? Have you found what are the strings that contribute to your fabric of life?
Monday, September 2, 2013
I Believe There's A Reason
I believe there's a reason why I was born as an only child. For slowly I learned, I am responsible in keeping myself entertained when my parents were working. I have books and my imagination as my bestest of friends. I hardly knew what boredom was.
I believe there's a reason why I'm a Scorpion Monkey. Both western and eastern zodiacs are signs that thrive through curiosities. Questioning everything, I learned to see my life filled with adventures and mysteries. The people I met were like the characters in the movies, dropping clues so the seeker may eventually solve the puzzles.
I believe there's a reason why I was born in Indonesia. A country with the motto - Bhineka Tunggal Ika which means we are one even though we are different, I learned to embrace diversities. Every culture; be it the Javanese, the Batak, the Chinese, enhances the richness of the country. I remembered being at awe with all their wedding costumes for each province. Not to mention my palate was truly spoiled by the choices of food that one can never run out of.
I believe there's a reason why people called me many names since I was 3 years old. Donald Duck. Donut. Kacibol (The one with holes in the specs). Maradona. Madonna. Dontel. Don King. Dono. Dari Tanah (From the ground). Da Li Dan (Big egg). Da Ling Dan (Big zero). I learned that they can call me anything they want and I can still have fun in the process because names have never defined me. So far, I am giving myself more nicknames than others have given me. And I finally learned what I called myself is so much more important than what others call me. For now, I am very happy with Frenchie Cow-ish Pigeon-ish Scorpion Monkey Golden Beng who shouts Huat Ah and drinks wine at anytime possible. This list will get longer as I discover more things in my life.
I believe there's a reason why I was made fun of when I mixed with friends who were much younger than me in high school. People called me "The King of Kids". I understand now, I was learning to stand out and not to conform. I learned to be comfortable with whichever crowd I chose. Most importantly, I have learned, there's no such things as age gap; it's only the gap in your mind that you're unable to come into terms with.
I believe there's a reason why my parents had to bring me to all their "older people" outings. I was always the only kid around and never allowed to leave my parents' sights. I understand now, I was being trained to the art of observing, listening and communicating with a more mature audience. Closing the imaginary "age gap" once again, from the other side of the spectrum.
I believe there's a reason I feel at ease in Singapore. Equipped with my love for Hokkien dialect and surrounded myself with the locals, I was naturally mistaken as Singaporean within one month. I learned that Singapore is another platform for me to embrace International diversities. More cultures, more adventures, more experiences, more knowledge, more things unknown. Exciting!
I believe there's a reason why I studied in Singapore, a heaven for knowledge in all forms. I continued my journey through books, tapes and seminars. Though the self-help route honestly didn't help me much, but without those pebbles to step on, I wouldn't have discovered the final rock to lean on and I wouldn't have met my amazing ex-boss who's now my mentor, my big brother and a really good friend.
I believe there's a reason why my dog, Kiky, had to pass away when I was in Singapore. Thinking of that moment could still bring me to tears. I have learned that her death was a lesson that I took really long to learn. That every moment with your loved ones is simply precious. You can't get back with whatever you think you can trade it with. Once it's gone, it's gone. I vow to myself, I will never get a dog unless I am able to spend most of my time with it. I can't bear to think I have never spent enough time with it. Not again.
I believe there's a reason why my heart was compelled to learn French for no logical reason at all. It was a gate that opened up to explosions of friendships, experiences and amazing possibilities that I wouldn't even have imagined it to be possible. If I really need to trace back, my current sources of income, all thanks to my one single decision of following my heart - taking French course in Alliance Francaise. One of the best decision ... EVER!
I believe there's a reason why I am here now. Well, maybe, there's no reason. Maybe there has never ever been a reason for anything at all. All this can just be my imagination. But I still choose to believe in reasons that serve and inspire this selfish lunatic me. Hello, c'est ma vie! As long as I still can choose for myself, I will choose to believe in the goodness of all things.
I believe there's a reason why I'm a Scorpion Monkey. Both western and eastern zodiacs are signs that thrive through curiosities. Questioning everything, I learned to see my life filled with adventures and mysteries. The people I met were like the characters in the movies, dropping clues so the seeker may eventually solve the puzzles.
I believe there's a reason why I was born in Indonesia. A country with the motto - Bhineka Tunggal Ika which means we are one even though we are different, I learned to embrace diversities. Every culture; be it the Javanese, the Batak, the Chinese, enhances the richness of the country. I remembered being at awe with all their wedding costumes for each province. Not to mention my palate was truly spoiled by the choices of food that one can never run out of.
 |
| Image courtesy of http://hafilastamps.blogspot.sg/2011/06/prangko-pakaian-pengantin-daerah.html |
I believe there's a reason why I was made fun of when I mixed with friends who were much younger than me in high school. People called me "The King of Kids". I understand now, I was learning to stand out and not to conform. I learned to be comfortable with whichever crowd I chose. Most importantly, I have learned, there's no such things as age gap; it's only the gap in your mind that you're unable to come into terms with.
I believe there's a reason why my parents had to bring me to all their "older people" outings. I was always the only kid around and never allowed to leave my parents' sights. I understand now, I was being trained to the art of observing, listening and communicating with a more mature audience. Closing the imaginary "age gap" once again, from the other side of the spectrum.
I believe there's a reason I feel at ease in Singapore. Equipped with my love for Hokkien dialect and surrounded myself with the locals, I was naturally mistaken as Singaporean within one month. I learned that Singapore is another platform for me to embrace International diversities. More cultures, more adventures, more experiences, more knowledge, more things unknown. Exciting!
I believe there's a reason why I studied in Singapore, a heaven for knowledge in all forms. I continued my journey through books, tapes and seminars. Though the self-help route honestly didn't help me much, but without those pebbles to step on, I wouldn't have discovered the final rock to lean on and I wouldn't have met my amazing ex-boss who's now my mentor, my big brother and a really good friend.
I believe there's a reason why my dog, Kiky, had to pass away when I was in Singapore. Thinking of that moment could still bring me to tears. I have learned that her death was a lesson that I took really long to learn. That every moment with your loved ones is simply precious. You can't get back with whatever you think you can trade it with. Once it's gone, it's gone. I vow to myself, I will never get a dog unless I am able to spend most of my time with it. I can't bear to think I have never spent enough time with it. Not again.
I believe there's a reason why my heart was compelled to learn French for no logical reason at all. It was a gate that opened up to explosions of friendships, experiences and amazing possibilities that I wouldn't even have imagined it to be possible. If I really need to trace back, my current sources of income, all thanks to my one single decision of following my heart - taking French course in Alliance Francaise. One of the best decision ... EVER!
I believe there's a reason why I am here now. Well, maybe, there's no reason. Maybe there has never ever been a reason for anything at all. All this can just be my imagination. But I still choose to believe in reasons that serve and inspire this selfish lunatic me. Hello, c'est ma vie! As long as I still can choose for myself, I will choose to believe in the goodness of all things.
"... how simple and beautiful life can be—if we choose to see it that way."
- Oprah Winfrey
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| Cow Rocks! How 1 year and 8 months just flew outta the window and life keeps getting better. Thank you, Universe! :) |
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
To Live With or To Live Without
Just yesterday I posted this conversation that I had with my BFF on my Facebook, it was titled as -_-" of the Day. Something that just make you have the "WTH" look.
-_-" of the Day:
DD: I think I'm not so attached to most things/people nowadays anymore. Can live without more and more things.
BFF: Really? OK, let me see what are the things I can take from your room. Hmm ...
DD: O_O
BFF: Your clothes don't fit me. I'm not interested in your Eiffel towers. Your fridge can't fit into my room. OK. Nothing to kidnap.
DD: -_-"
I received many interesting comments too from my friends such as .....
"I want your eiffel towers."
"Are u attached to your money? I can help relieve you of your burdensome material possessions."
My friends do have great sense of humour. I enjoy playing along with them too.
Then, this afternoon, I was at the super-crowded-during-lunch-time kinda coffee shop. Sipping my hot tea and eating biscuits. I was lucky to get a seat but then again, when you are just one person, how much space do you need, right? The Universe gave me 2 tables for 4.
Meanwhile, a group of people, who were blocked by a big pillar from my angle, were looking for a table. They were trying to squeeze in 1 table which by right only fit for 2. One attentive and "efficient" server (bosses will love this kind, I bet), Mdm. Lee, came to me and asked if I was willing to swap table with them. I said, of course and thanked her for letting me know as I couldn't see them. If not, I would have offered them anyway. With my shrinking butt size, I don't really need that big space.
This incident got me thinking though. I'm not sure how it is related to my Facebook post or what I'm going to say next but I'm still going to say it anyway ...
Firstly, I find it really interesting that a day before I made such statement, the next day I was being shown a similar situation to affirm what I already affirmed.
Secondly, I am very amused by my friends' reactions who immediately think if I can live without it, I should give it away. It really got me thinking ... Sure, I can live without many many many things. But if I do have it, do I really need to give it away? Why? Just to prove my statement is right? No wonder I rarely want to be right anymore nowadays. I just want to be happy.
So, I can live without many things but I am happy to have them anyway. So, sorry my dear friends, I'm happily not giving you any of the items you are requesting not because I can't live without them but because I know I can choose to live with or without them. And, at this point of my life, I still choose to live and appreciate them for as long as they let me to too.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. Oh well, maybe not and that's fine too. It's 10.52PM now and apparently I have been given a curfew to vacate from the office building asap ... if not .... I also dunno what will happen. Hmmm ...
-_-" of the Day:
DD: I think I'm not so attached to most things/people nowadays anymore. Can live without more and more things.
BFF: Really? OK, let me see what are the things I can take from your room. Hmm ...
DD: O_O
BFF: Your clothes don't fit me. I'm not interested in your Eiffel towers. Your fridge can't fit into my room. OK. Nothing to kidnap.
DD: -_-"
I received many interesting comments too from my friends such as .....
"I want your eiffel towers."
"Are u attached to your money? I can help relieve you of your burdensome material possessions."
My friends do have great sense of humour. I enjoy playing along with them too.
Then, this afternoon, I was at the super-crowded-during-lunch-time kinda coffee shop. Sipping my hot tea and eating biscuits. I was lucky to get a seat but then again, when you are just one person, how much space do you need, right? The Universe gave me 2 tables for 4.
Meanwhile, a group of people, who were blocked by a big pillar from my angle, were looking for a table. They were trying to squeeze in 1 table which by right only fit for 2. One attentive and "efficient" server (bosses will love this kind, I bet), Mdm. Lee, came to me and asked if I was willing to swap table with them. I said, of course and thanked her for letting me know as I couldn't see them. If not, I would have offered them anyway. With my shrinking butt size, I don't really need that big space.
This incident got me thinking though. I'm not sure how it is related to my Facebook post or what I'm going to say next but I'm still going to say it anyway ...
Firstly, I find it really interesting that a day before I made such statement, the next day I was being shown a similar situation to affirm what I already affirmed.
Secondly, I am very amused by my friends' reactions who immediately think if I can live without it, I should give it away. It really got me thinking ... Sure, I can live without many many many things. But if I do have it, do I really need to give it away? Why? Just to prove my statement is right? No wonder I rarely want to be right anymore nowadays. I just want to be happy.
So, I can live without many things but I am happy to have them anyway. So, sorry my dear friends, I'm happily not giving you any of the items you are requesting not because I can't live without them but because I know I can choose to live with or without them. And, at this point of my life, I still choose to live and appreciate them for as long as they let me to too.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. Oh well, maybe not and that's fine too. It's 10.52PM now and apparently I have been given a curfew to vacate from the office building asap ... if not .... I also dunno what will happen. Hmmm ...
Thursday, June 27, 2013
An Act of Courage. A Gift of Friendship.
Friday the 13th of April 2012 was a very special day to me. Well, actually everyday is special to me. However, 2012 was a year of COURAGE if I could put a theme to it. Courage because I practiced it so well that talking to strangers seems easy peasy to me now. But nothing beats the vivid memory of that Friday the 13th. A day where my courage had grown so naturally (without alcohol) and the decision I took, changed my life forever.
My friends (including my beloved BFF) and I were watching a concert at my French school. It was some Gypsy band called Les yeux noirs. Superbly exciting! A great prelude to what was going to happen afterwards. On the same row as me, I noticed a girl whom I have chanced upon in a workshop before. I didn't know her name but found her intriguing (ya, my favourite word to anything or anyone that piques my curiousity).
So, after the concert, apparently there was free wine and mingling session. I was totally ecstatic (yes, cos there was free wine!!). But before I went to get my wine, I told my BFF that I was going to get to know her. She gave me a stare but she knew my quirks too well ... she just let me be. So, that was what I did exactly. Walked up to the intriguing girl and said hi and a beautiful friendship was forged just like that. Because, I followed my guts and took a chance with it. It never goes wrong.
We hardly meet in person but we talk pretty much constantly over WhatsApp (Thank you, WhatsApp! You're an awesome creation!). Our friendship is one of a kind. We see the ups and downs of each other and we are there, through WhatsApp and most of the time we found laughter and relief.
What I appreciate from her the most is the gift that she gave me without her realizing on the 2nd of May 2012 (20 days after knowing each other) when she texted me "U fix hearts. Cus u've kept me smiling when I know I would otherwise be miserable." That was the day when I kept a "Soul Food" journal on my phone. I didn't know then that I thrive on Words of Affirmations. She was one of the rare soul who says things as it is and means them. (Seriously, this trait is really rare. I can count with my 10 fingers how many people do bother to say things out loud like that). Especially when she truly feels appreciative, she will just say it out (ok, more like type it out loud)! I didn't realize it at first until she said them so many times that I felt so good and hence I started collecting words from others too. To date, I have too many to count for and these words really feed my soul.
From her, I too learn to show my appreciation verbally. I have always be thankful to the Universe and the birds and trees and butterflies but maybe I didn't say it enough to people around me. Through her living example, I started to spread it out loud when I feel so appreciative towards others. I feel good doing that and I believe others feel good in receiving that too. Simple gift that costs nothing but a few limited breaths of mine. The more I give out, the more I notice they are coming back to me too. Maybe these people have been giving soul food to me without me realizing. But now, I am totally aware of them.
Today is her special day. I am so thankful that she was born because her presence has truly changed my life for good. My dearest and whatta-awesome-wordsmith-you-are, happy birthday. I don't have much to give but my words of appreciation towards our friendship and virtual presence for each other. I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight. You will have an awesome journey in this life because all is swell in our world.
Joyeux anniversaire, ma chère amie!
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| Image taken on that special Friday the 13th of April 2012 |
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
I'm Not A Train Station
I'm not a train station
That stands and waits
While trains pass me by
I am that moving train
With many stops ahead
And multitude of passengers
I move through time
Places, spaces
And faces
I rest sometimes but finally stop
When newer train comes
And continues the cycles
I am that moving train
And the world
Is my eternal track
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| Image was taken in Paris (2008) at the Chaville Vélizy station |
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
15 Years Ago, Today, What Do You Remember? I Remember ....
I didn't realize what the date is today until I saw whose birthday it is on Facebook, one dear hometown friend of mine. This date brings me back to 15 years ago and I choose to relive it once in a while as a great reminder because that one event has changed my life.
7 May 1998, it was a Thursday. I remember vividly sitting inside the classroom, trying to finish my final paper for the national exam - Chemistry, hate it with my entire life. Our exam was supposed to end at 9.30AM but at 9AM the principal of the school came into my class and asked us to finish our paper instantly. We had to leave the school compound asap.
It was the year of Asian Financial Crisis, however in Indonesia, a racial tension was also brewing. My principal told us that there was a bunch of rioters attacking the suburbs and the next destination would be to the houses on the main road. My house is on the main road.
We packed up. We called our school bus. I was home around 10AM. Then there was the calm before the storm. The road was pretty empty. Everybody seemed to be just ... waiting. Around 10.45AM, I started to hear noises from few houses down the road. Yeah, they arrived. Shouting in ecstasy. I couldn't figure out what they were saying. They seemed pretty happy. They had stones and kept throwing to the row of houses. Few minutes later, it was my house.
Windows were totally shattered. I was in deep fear. But what was worse than the fear itself, hatred was brewing steadily in me. The hatred lasted for more than 2 years. Frantically, I called my best friend and shouted all kind of vows of vengeance towards people who did this. My parents tried to calm me down successfully by giving me a pill. Even my dog, Kiky, was more daring than me. She kept barking her best to protect the house. I was just swearing in tears.
We slept in a windowless house for almost a week, covered only by pieces of plywood. I slept with a stick and a can of insecticide next to me. Because if I couldn''t fight them, I could spray something into their eyes and that, I thought, would be good enough (?). While waiting for my exam results and whether any universities in Singapore would accept me, I kept myself busy by watching lots of Hercules. I watched it 7x. It put me in a very happy place, for those short few moments. It is still my favourite movie of a lifetime!
Anyway, 15 years have passed. Wow. 15 years! Almost half of my life, just zoomed right through me. But that one single event has really changed me .... I often shared with people who would listen to me ... how I got past the hatred .... I asked myself one question (after reading many many many books after) - "If I were to be in their shoes, what would I do?" I imagined myself being not so well-off. I have many kids to feed and there is this opportunity to get paid and all I need to do is just to throw stones at the houses of Chinese people. I would have said yes too.
Then, I understood where they came from and my hatred towards them didn't mean anything anymore. I was set free there and then because I learned to see that there are always many sides of a story and depends on which side you are standing, you will see the story unfolds differently. I have since then consciously trying to understand as many sides as I can to any scenarios but of course, life is so expansive, at times I still don't see certain things differently, I am still making mistakes and apologizing and learning from it. But always, without regrets. That will be waste of life.
15 years ago, today, I thank you for letting me be part of you. I wouldn't have changed a single thing because you made me the imperfectly perfect me today. I also need to thank the subject I hate the most, Chemistry, without which I wouldn't have been accepted to the university. Everything happens for a reason and the reason, most of the time, only we eventually will understand.
7 May 1998, it was a Thursday. I remember vividly sitting inside the classroom, trying to finish my final paper for the national exam - Chemistry, hate it with my entire life. Our exam was supposed to end at 9.30AM but at 9AM the principal of the school came into my class and asked us to finish our paper instantly. We had to leave the school compound asap.
It was the year of Asian Financial Crisis, however in Indonesia, a racial tension was also brewing. My principal told us that there was a bunch of rioters attacking the suburbs and the next destination would be to the houses on the main road. My house is on the main road.
We packed up. We called our school bus. I was home around 10AM. Then there was the calm before the storm. The road was pretty empty. Everybody seemed to be just ... waiting. Around 10.45AM, I started to hear noises from few houses down the road. Yeah, they arrived. Shouting in ecstasy. I couldn't figure out what they were saying. They seemed pretty happy. They had stones and kept throwing to the row of houses. Few minutes later, it was my house.
Windows were totally shattered. I was in deep fear. But what was worse than the fear itself, hatred was brewing steadily in me. The hatred lasted for more than 2 years. Frantically, I called my best friend and shouted all kind of vows of vengeance towards people who did this. My parents tried to calm me down successfully by giving me a pill. Even my dog, Kiky, was more daring than me. She kept barking her best to protect the house. I was just swearing in tears.
We slept in a windowless house for almost a week, covered only by pieces of plywood. I slept with a stick and a can of insecticide next to me. Because if I couldn''t fight them, I could spray something into their eyes and that, I thought, would be good enough (?). While waiting for my exam results and whether any universities in Singapore would accept me, I kept myself busy by watching lots of Hercules. I watched it 7x. It put me in a very happy place, for those short few moments. It is still my favourite movie of a lifetime!
Anyway, 15 years have passed. Wow. 15 years! Almost half of my life, just zoomed right through me. But that one single event has really changed me .... I often shared with people who would listen to me ... how I got past the hatred .... I asked myself one question (after reading many many many books after) - "If I were to be in their shoes, what would I do?" I imagined myself being not so well-off. I have many kids to feed and there is this opportunity to get paid and all I need to do is just to throw stones at the houses of Chinese people. I would have said yes too.
Then, I understood where they came from and my hatred towards them didn't mean anything anymore. I was set free there and then because I learned to see that there are always many sides of a story and depends on which side you are standing, you will see the story unfolds differently. I have since then consciously trying to understand as many sides as I can to any scenarios but of course, life is so expansive, at times I still don't see certain things differently, I am still making mistakes and apologizing and learning from it. But always, without regrets. That will be waste of life.
15 years ago, today, I thank you for letting me be part of you. I wouldn't have changed a single thing because you made me the imperfectly perfect me today. I also need to thank the subject I hate the most, Chemistry, without which I wouldn't have been accepted to the university. Everything happens for a reason and the reason, most of the time, only we eventually will understand.
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| My house is the one in the centre with my dad's beloved Vespa in front. Photo was taken the next day after the riot. |
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