I Believe There's A Reason

I believe there's a reason why I was born as an only child. For slowly I learned, I am responsible in keeping myself entertained when my parents were working. I have books and my imagination as my bestest of friends. I hardly knew what boredom was.

I believe there's a reason why I'm a Scorpion Monkey. Both western and eastern zodiacs are signs that thrive through curiosities. Questioning everything, I learned to see my life filled with adventures and mysteries. The people I met were like the characters in the movies, dropping clues so the seeker may eventually solve the puzzles.

I believe there's a reason why I was born in Indonesia. A country with the motto - Bhineka Tunggal Ika which means we are one even though we are different, I learned to embrace diversities. Every culture; be it the Javanese, the Batak, the Chinese, enhances the richness of the country. I remembered being at awe with all their wedding costumes for each province. Not to mention my palate was truly spoiled by the choices of food that one can never run out of.

Image courtesy of http://hafilastamps.blogspot.sg/2011/06/prangko-pakaian-pengantin-daerah.html

I believe there's a reason why people called me many names since I was 3 years old. Donald Duck. Donut. Kacibol (The one with holes in the specs). Maradona. Madonna. Dontel. Don King. Dono. Dari Tanah (From the ground). Da Li Dan (Big egg). Da Ling Dan (Big zero). I learned that they can call me anything they want and I can still have fun in the process because names have never defined me. So far, I am giving myself more nicknames than others have given me. And I finally learned what I called myself is so much more important than what others call me. For now, I am very happy with Frenchie Cow-ish Pigeon-ish Scorpion Monkey Golden Beng who shouts Huat Ah and drinks wine at anytime possible. This list will get longer as I discover more things in my life.

I believe there's a reason why I was made fun of when I mixed with friends who were much younger than me in high school. People called me "The King of Kids". I understand now, I was learning to stand out and not to conform. I learned to be comfortable with whichever crowd I chose. Most importantly, I have learned, there's no such things as age gap; it's only the gap in your mind that you're unable to come into terms with.

I believe there's a reason why my parents had to bring me to all their "older people" outings. I was always the only kid around and never allowed to leave my parents' sights. I understand now, I was being trained to the art of observing, listening and communicating with a more mature audience. Closing the imaginary "age gap" once again, from the other side of the spectrum.

I believe there's a reason I feel at ease in Singapore. Equipped with my love for Hokkien dialect and surrounded myself with the locals, I was naturally mistaken as Singaporean within one month. I learned that Singapore is another platform for me to embrace International diversities. More cultures, more adventures, more experiences, more knowledge, more things unknown. Exciting!

I believe there's a reason why I studied in Singapore, a heaven for knowledge in all forms. I continued my journey through books, tapes and seminars. Though the self-help route honestly didn't help me much, but without those pebbles to step on, I wouldn't have discovered the final rock to lean on and I wouldn't have met my amazing ex-boss who's now my mentor, my big brother and a really good friend.

I believe there's a reason why my dog, Kiky, had to pass away when I was in Singapore. Thinking of that moment could still bring me to tears. I have learned that her death was a lesson that I took really long to learn. That every moment with your loved ones is simply precious. You can't get back with whatever you think you can trade it with. Once it's gone, it's gone. I vow to myself, I will never get a dog unless I am able to spend most of my time with it. I can't bear to think I have never spent enough time with it. Not again.

I believe there's a reason why my heart was compelled to learn French for no logical reason at all. It was a gate that opened up to explosions of friendships, experiences and amazing possibilities that I wouldn't even have imagined it to be possible. If I really need to trace back, my current sources of income, all thanks to my one single decision of following my heart - taking French course in Alliance Francaise. One of the best decision ... EVER!

I believe there's a reason why I am here now. Well, maybe, there's no reason. Maybe there has never ever been a reason for anything at all. All this can just be my imagination. But I still choose to believe in reasons that serve and inspire this selfish lunatic me. Hello, c'est ma vie! As long as I still can choose for myself, I will choose to believe in the goodness of all things.

"... how simple and beautiful life can be—if we choose to see it that way." 

- Oprah Winfrey

Cow Rocks!
How 1 year and 8 months just flew outta the window and life keeps getting better. Thank you, Universe! :)

To Live With or To Live Without

Just yesterday I posted this conversation that I had with my BFF on my Facebook, it was titled as -_-" of the Day. Something that just make you have the "WTH" look.

-_-" of the Day:
DD: I think I'm not so attached to most things/people nowadays anymore. Can live without more and more things.
BFF: Really? OK, let me see what are the things I can take from your room. Hmm ... 
DD: O_O
BFF: Your clothes don't fit me. I'm not interested in your Eiffel towers. Your fridge can't fit into my room. OK. Nothing to kidnap.
DD: -_-"

I received many interesting comments too from my friends such as .....

"I want your eiffel towers."

"Are u attached to your money? I can help relieve you of your burdensome material possessions."

My friends do have great sense of humour. I enjoy playing along with them too.

Then, this afternoon, I was at the super-crowded-during-lunch-time kinda coffee shop. Sipping my hot tea and eating biscuits. I was lucky to get a seat but then again, when you are just one person, how much space do you need, right? The Universe gave me 2 tables for 4.

Meanwhile, a group of people, who were blocked by a big pillar from my angle, were looking for a table. They were trying to squeeze in 1 table which by right only fit for 2. One attentive and "efficient" server (bosses will love this kind, I bet), Mdm. Lee, came to me and asked if I was willing to swap table with them. I said, of course and thanked her for letting me know as I couldn't see them. If not, I would have offered them anyway. With my shrinking butt size, I don't really need that big space.

This incident got me thinking though. I'm not sure how it is related to my Facebook post or what I'm going to say next but I'm still going to say it anyway ...

Firstly, I find it really interesting that a day before I made such statement, the next day I was being shown a similar situation to affirm what I already affirmed.

Secondly, I am very amused by my friends' reactions who immediately think if I can live without it, I should give it away. It really got me thinking ... Sure, I can live without many many many things. But if I do have it, do I really need to give it away? Why? Just to prove my statement is right? No wonder I rarely want to be right anymore nowadays. I just want to be happy.

So, I can live without many things but I am happy to have them anyway. So, sorry my dear friends, I'm happily not giving you any of the items you are requesting not because I can't live without them but because I know I can choose to live with or without them. And, at this point of my life, I still choose to live and appreciate them for as long as they let me to too.

I'm not sure if I'm making any sense. Oh well, maybe not and that's fine too. It's 10.52PM now and apparently I have been given a curfew to vacate from the office building asap ... if not .... I also dunno what will happen. Hmmm ...

An Act of Courage. A Gift of Friendship.

Friday the 13th of April 2012 was a very special day to me. Well, actually everyday is special to me. However, 2012 was a year of COURAGE if I could put a theme to it. Courage because I practiced it so well that talking to strangers seems easy peasy to me now. But nothing beats the vivid memory of that Friday the 13th. A day where my courage had grown so naturally (without alcohol) and the decision I took, changed my life forever.

My friends (including my beloved BFF) and I were watching a concert at my French school. It was some Gypsy band called Les yeux noirs. Superbly exciting! A great prelude to what was going to happen afterwards. On the same row as me, I noticed a girl whom I have chanced upon in a workshop before. I didn't know her name but found her intriguing (ya, my favourite word to anything or anyone that piques my curiousity).

So, after the concert, apparently there was free wine and mingling session. I was totally ecstatic (yes, cos there was free wine!!). But before I went to get my wine, I told my BFF that I was going to get to know her. She gave me a stare but she knew my quirks too well ... she just let me be. So, that was what I did exactly. Walked up to the intriguing girl and said hi and a beautiful friendship was forged just like that. Because, I followed my guts and took a chance with it. It never goes wrong.

We hardly meet in person but we talk pretty much constantly over WhatsApp (Thank you, WhatsApp! You're an awesome creation!). Our friendship is one of a kind. We see the ups and downs of each other and we are there, through WhatsApp and most of the time we found laughter and relief. 

What I appreciate from her the most is the gift that she gave me without her realizing on the 2nd of May 2012 (20 days after knowing each other) when she texted me "U fix hearts. Cus u've kept me smiling when I know I would otherwise be miserable." That was the day when I kept a "Soul Food" journal on my phone. I didn't know then that I thrive on Words of Affirmations. She was one of the rare soul who says things as it is and means them. (Seriously, this trait is really rare. I can count with my 10 fingers how many people do bother to say things out loud like that). Especially when she truly feels appreciative, she will just say it out (ok, more like type it out loud)! I didn't realize it at first until she said them so many times that I felt so good and hence I started collecting words from others too. To date, I have too many to count for and these words really feed my soul. 

From her, I too learn to show my appreciation verbally. I have always be thankful to the Universe and the birds and trees and butterflies but maybe I didn't say it enough to people around me. Through her living example, I started to spread it out loud when I feel so appreciative towards others. I feel good doing that and I believe others feel good in receiving that too. Simple gift that costs nothing but a few limited breaths of mine. The more I give out, the more I notice they are coming back to me too. Maybe these people have been giving soul food to me without me realizing. But now, I am totally aware of them. 

Today is her special day. I am so thankful that she was born because her presence has truly changed my life for good. My dearest and whatta-awesome-wordsmith-you-are, happy birthday. I don't have much to give but my words of appreciation towards our friendship and virtual presence for each other. I'm looking forward to seeing you tonight. You will have an awesome journey in this life because all is swell in our world. 

Joyeux anniversaire, ma chère amie!

Image taken on that special Friday the 13th of April 2012

I'm Not A Train Station

I'm not a train station

That stands and waits

While trains pass me by

I am that moving train

With many stops ahead

And multitude of passengers

I move through time

Places, spaces

And faces

I rest sometimes but finally stop

When newer train comes

And continues the cycles

I am that moving train

And the world 

Is my eternal track

Image was taken in Paris (2008) at the Chaville Vélizy station

15 Years Ago, Today, What Do You Remember? I Remember ....

I didn't realize what the date is today until I saw whose birthday it is on Facebook, one dear hometown friend of mine. This date brings me back to 15 years ago and I choose to relive it once in a while as a great reminder because that one event has changed my life.

7 May 1998, it was a Thursday. I remember vividly sitting inside the classroom, trying to finish my final paper for the national exam - Chemistry, hate it with my entire life. Our exam was supposed to end at 9.30AM but at 9AM the principal of the school came into my class and asked us to finish our paper instantly. We had to leave the school compound asap.

It was the year of Asian Financial Crisis, however in Indonesia, a racial tension was also brewing. My principal told us that there was a bunch of rioters attacking the suburbs and the next destination would be to the houses on the main road. My house is on the main road.

We packed up. We called our school bus. I was home around 10AM. Then there was the calm before the storm. The road was pretty empty. Everybody seemed to be just ... waiting. Around 10.45AM, I started to hear noises from few houses down the road. Yeah, they arrived. Shouting in ecstasy. I couldn't figure out what they were saying. They seemed pretty happy. They had stones and kept throwing to the row of houses. Few minutes later, it was my house.

Windows were totally shattered. I was in deep fear. But what was worse than the fear itself, hatred was brewing steadily in me. The hatred lasted for more than 2 years. Frantically, I called my best friend and shouted all kind of vows of vengeance towards people who did this. My parents tried to calm me down successfully by giving me a pill. Even my dog, Kiky, was more daring than me. She kept barking her best to protect the house. I was just swearing in tears.

We slept in a windowless house for almost a week, covered only by pieces of plywood. I slept with a stick and a can of insecticide next to me. Because if I couldn''t fight them, I could spray something into their eyes and that, I thought, would be good enough (?). While waiting for my exam results and whether any universities in Singapore would accept me, I kept myself busy by watching lots of Hercules. I watched it 7x. It put me in a very happy place, for those short few moments. It is still my favourite movie of a lifetime!

Anyway, 15 years have passed. Wow. 15 years! Almost half of my life, just zoomed right through me. But that one single event has really changed me .... I often shared with people who would listen to me ... how I got past the hatred .... I asked myself one question (after reading many many many books after) - "If I were to be in their shoes, what would I do?" I imagined myself being not so well-off. I have many kids to feed and there is this opportunity to get paid and all I need to do is just to throw stones at the houses of Chinese people. I would have said yes too.

Then, I understood where they came from and my hatred towards them didn't mean anything anymore. I was set free there and then because I learned to see that there are always many sides of a story and depends on which side you are standing, you will see the story unfolds differently. I have since then consciously trying to understand as many sides as I can to any scenarios but of course, life is so expansive, at times I still don't see certain things differently, I am still making mistakes and apologizing and learning from it. But always, without regrets. That will be waste of life.

15 years ago, today, I thank you for letting me be part of you. I wouldn't have changed a single thing because you made me the imperfectly perfect me today. I also need to thank the subject I hate the most, Chemistry, without which I wouldn't have been accepted to the university. Everything happens for a reason and the reason, most of the time, only we eventually will understand.

My house is the one in the centre with my dad's beloved Vespa in front. Photo was taken the next day after the riot.

When DD Said "Adventure", Life Gave Her One Immediately

Just 1 day after my May Day post, declaring to the world that "my life is indeed an adventure", The Universe heard me so fast and gave me the first "adventure". So, here we go ....

After happily sharing my lunch to my FB friends, I proceeded to the bus stop and waited under the super hot sun for my bus. I told my friend,"If I stand under this heat for few minutes every day, I'm sure I can burn some calories without exercising." The bus heard me, refusing to let me burn off those calories around my belly, it arrived shortly after. I hopped on happily and continued whatsapp-ing / facebook-ing my friends.

One hour later, I grabbed my bag, went in to the building where I supposed to start my social media project work. Then, I realized ... I forgot something. My weight seemed too light. Oh yeah ... I left my laptop in the bus. Better still, the laptop doesn't belong to me. Oh yeah, baby!

There was a little bit of panicky moment ... but I immediately called the bus hotline for more than 5x, nobody picked up. Oh well ... I googled through my dying Blackberry apparently the terminal is not that far away. So, I took another bus and prayed really hard hoping the laptop was being kept by the driver at the terminal. At least 20 minutes had passed since I went off the bus. Arriving at the terminal, I approached any bus drivers who then led me to their small little office and found out the bus has left the terminal. No laptop was spotted. Many kind people there, really, from the lady drivers, to the uncles, they all tried their best to help me. One has called the office at the final interchange and asked me to talk to the guy. The guy on the phone said he would call me back.

One uncle gave me a few more numbers and I just called all of them and repeated the same message. Well, no harm, right? No idea whom I called. I still had 50-50 chance by then. The driver could have kept it and brought it to the interchange or some passengers with sharp eyes might see it and grabbed it away. I told The Universe, whatever it is, I am learning my lesson and will think about it later.

Meanwhile, I was thinking for plan B, asking all my friends for contacts if they knew where I could get such model at a discount. One friend offered an alternative solution to the issue and offered her old laptop with friendship price. Another one was willing to give me her spare laptop for free. I was deeply touched by the people who were there and offered their ears/heads/hearts/laptop to me. What could I really do anyway? Carelessness happened. I had tried all ways to get it retrieved. At that moment, I could only smile, breathe deeply and wait for phone calls. I did just that.

On the way back to the building, I received a phone call from the first guy I spoke to. *Poof* ... He said he had tried his best. He called 4 drivers and none saw any laptop. "Oh well..", I said, "It's okay then. I will lodge a police report, I guess." Back to the building I went and just totally let go of the entire situation. I drank more water. Very thirsty lah ... weather so hot!

Then I wondered,"What do I need to learn here? How did I attract and create this situation?" For sure I was not being "present" at that moment! I was in the "now" then but I was not in the "here" of the situation. My body was in the bus but my mind was elsewhere. I let go and quickly switched to Plan B/C mode. I realized I was not too panicky as I normally would ... guess that's a good thing. I remembered to breathe and smile and "oh well, what now?" to myself. I continued on with my life ...

As I am a big fan of romantic comedies and cartoons, my adventure too had a happy ending. Half an hour later, I received another phone call from Mr. Wee (must be the 2nd or 3rd gentleman I talked to from whichever number that was given to me earlier). He said,"Oh you are so lucky. The bus just reached the interchange and your laptop is with us." Of course, I went there afterwards. Of course, I thanked him/them/anyone with all my heart. Of course, I took my laptop and left and came back again to pass them the abundant of bread I bought to show my deep appreciation to them.

Am I really "lucky"? Hell yeah! I am well supported and protected in all ways. Then I declared to some of my friends that I love this country and the people in it DEEP DEEP DEEP! Because if the same thing has happened elsewhere ... you will see me singing Auld Lang Syne with a bottle of something.

Well, what I learn for sure is to be really careful with what you ask for! I think I need to tweak the part when I say my life is an adventure! Must specify what kinda adventure I'm having. Universe ah, don't like that play one can? But thank you nevertheless to give me an amazing happy ending in the end. All is well indeed.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one’s own way.”
—Dr. Viktor Frankl

A Letter to May Day of 2013

Hello 1st of May 2013.

I welcome you with open heart and over flowing joy because I sincerely have been looking forward to meet you after much anticipation since 4 months ago. Many have worried for me - from family members to friends - but not me. Why? Because this marks the day that I am officially without a constant income, without a title, without a job and ultimately without a perceived safety net. I am totally fine and at peace with it. I actually feel excited of the path ahead of me. :) Lunatic? Yeah, I have been self-declaring that for months. Nobody really believes me anyway. They thought I am joking when I speak the truth. Not the first time anyway, right?

So, what's in store for me this month? I am not really sure. I am quite busy though ... I will tell you why .. later, if I do remember.

For sure, looking back at the rear view mirrors, I realized I am a chatterbox ... daily without fail, I simply love to share my happenings to a few of my friends. I believe some of them must be bored to death. Since I have a blog with my name, I decide, it's my story, my blog, I am going to tell it here instead. Save my breath and those who are really interested can continue reading it. Those who are not, will be free from my constant messaging.

After more than 1 year of living so freely and truly to myself, I realize, my life is indeed an adventure. Full of stories. I simply couldn't contain what I have in me anymore. I have to let it out. Though today is a public holiday where most people are resting and simply not doing anything ... I know one friend has to go back to the office due to the nature of her job ... so I shall join her and make this my first post for May Day of 2013!

How did I end the month of April, BTW?
With an impromptu dinner.
3 of my friends were there for dinner and 2 of them joined in afterwards.
I was challenged to do a dare which ended up with me meeting 5 other lovely friends of mine. My heart really couldn't contain my happiness when I met all of them. I was lunatically ecstatic!
I had a great night. I hope my friends did too. I love all of them dearly because through them I see the beauty of this amazing world. Oh yeah ... I also would like to thank 2 other special friends ... 1 of them was trying to accommodate her schedule for me but simply couldn't and the other one bothered to listen to my rant though I bet she was really sleepy at 1.30AM.

I have great friends. I have great encounters and I indeed have an awesome life that I wouldn't trade for anything in this world.

Thank you all for this amazing ending and beginning of what's to come. For my readers, you will sure to hear from me more often now. :) Thanks for reading so far! :D

PS. Since I remember what I said earlier ... I have been busy with many complimentary wine tastings last months. Looking forward to more. Need more divine juice to keep on writing, you know? :D

 A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.

- Thomas Carlyle

Dear Knees of Mine, I Love You Crazily!

I have never loved the left side of my lower back so much until today. I woke up with pain but I ignored it and went to sleep again thought it would go away. Alas, apparently I have sprained my left lower back without knowing how it did happen. Maybe I practiced some impossible Kungfu moves during my sleep.

The entire day I moved in pain, I still am. My BFF couldn't stop laughing because I do look like some senior citizen grasping for breath. I too had fun laughing at myself because it was pretty amusing. However when my attention deficit disorder behaviour went away and I was left with only pure awareness of my body, I felt very appreciative towards my knees that enable me to still perform certain movements that normally require bending. I appreciate my flexibility like I've never done before. Then I laughed because maybe this indeed is a preview to old age if my joints decide to be super stiff, where movements are simply limited (if I'm granted to live that long, of course). It's not easy. Almost anything that relates to bending, I need an extra support from my hand. I can't just do it freely anymore.

I always find it amazing that such simple actions - bending and twisting - where people do it without blinking, require many parts of the body to make it happen. This amazing machine called "body of ours", when one of its parts is down, it hinders us in doing so many things. Oh, even squatting was a tough chore.

Today I declare my utmost love to every single parts of my body, and you should too. Without them, I can't do many things and guess that's what this humbling pain is trying to teach me. I am especially in love with my knees this weekend. I may take a few more movements to accomplish what I can do in one swift, but I could still do it.

Our body is indeed an amazing creation. As long as mine is still operated by the breaths I take, I promise to make it one of the greatest love of my life because without it, I'm just a lover in spirit. That really won't be that fun for someone who jumps around like a monkey like me!

To awesome health!

PS. I bet if my parents read this, I will receive a call with some lovely nagging in place ... I'm waiting ... :p