Morbid Realization of the Day

After "mastering" the art of loving myself and being grateful, recently I have been "introduced" to another lesson in life.

Most of what I've written so far, I realize, are pretty "I" based. I am grateful .... I am putting myself first ... etc .... I feel that I have graduated from the "I" part in life and hence, The Universe is subtly introducing me to the next life lesson, where the "I" has to take a back seat since it's pretty safe and secure now.

For those who know me, I am pretty fascinated with the topic of "Death". Yesh, DD who has the impression of always happy go lucky, actually has her morbid side too. I made a trip down to Ubud, Bali last year not doing what the typical touristy stuff but to visit an island filled with dead bodies unburied. I went to Paris in 2008 with one of the intention to visit Les Catacombs (mass grave) and actually queued 45 minutes for it. I also made a point to visit the Père Lachaise Cemetery. Call me nuts but there's something about death that intrigues me.

Gradually, I understood why the fascination. My monkeybro introduced me to this Latin phrase - Memento Mori which means "Remember you will die". Since then it has been one of my motto. To remember one day I will die. So, most of my actions are based on that principle. When I am confused, I will ask myself,"If today is the last day of my life, will I do what I am going to do? If not, what should I do?" Then I will go ahead and do it or say whatever I need to say. So far, the actions taken and words I have uttered based on this principle have brought me to great places.

But you see, even the above is very "I" based. It's about me. But life apparently has different lesson plan for me now and the realization hit me this morning, morbidly. Sure, if I die now, I will be okay. As in, I have lived my life fully that it's fine for me to leave now. But .... what if, the death is not about me but about people around me. What if they are those of my loved ones? How would I feel then? Will I be okay?

I realize life lesson really has different level and once you have graduated with the "self" you will need to learn about "others". Then you will realize, life is never ever about you anyway.

So, I asked myself - if he/she/it dies now/today/tomorrow/next week, have I done my best for them? If not, what do I need to do here and now knowing how impermanent everything can be.

Honestly, this is one bitter pill to swallow. I, definitely, haven't really grasped the impact of that one question that I posed upon myself. To look at the person in front of you, knowing that they may just *poof* without you knowing, is a pretty heart wrenching experience. Even if it's not real, but even imagining it brought tears to my eyes. I am still learning. Still trying to find peace with this realization.

I'm just glad I'm aware of it and awareness is the key to any changes in life. Moving forward, I don't look at the people in front of me the same way anymore. I will learn, eventually, to be at peace with this realization. Meanwhile, I will do my best at every given moment as if it's the last for me and people around me. This will be a conscious choice I make every single day.

"Life is short, and shortly it will end"

(from Llibre Vermell de Montserrat from 1399)